misgiving

I refuse to hear the truth. I choose to believe that things can go back to how they were like nothing happened. This was my greatest fear. And that horror has happened. How do you choose between the earth and soul? How do you survive a battle within yourself?

I have no regrets and I know I would take the same path if I come across it once more. But that does not give me comfort. What would? It is heartbreaking to tell a wonderful miracle as if it was a horrible tragedy. Yet the aftermath hunts me.

These days I content myself with the thought that I am working things out. I convince myself each day that all these efforts are not dire. I wallow at night as I bid myself goodnight. I have hope that I will survive this. I have hope that I can do this.

We do things for two reasons – because we want to and because we have to. This I did because I want to and more so I have to. And though we are aware of the consequences, we will never be prepared for the dismay once it occurs. All we have is the fulfillment that we got what we want and we did what needed to be done.

the good and the bad

It is hard to forget how dark an empty room is than to recall how flashy and bright a red carpet hall is.

While children are playing in the newly installed playground at school, I was sitting in a far away bench contemplating on how I can turn my life around. I was 5 then. Innocence is bliss and it escaped me even before I realize it exists. At times I would think I was robbed of childhood. I was robbed of the joy it has to offer because of certain circumstances that are either mine or the world’s fault. It is depressing to talk about it but the feeling today when I try to recall the details isn’t so bad. In fact, I would choose the same path if I have to go through it again; not that I want to do that though.

I decided to keep up with unnecessary torture thinking it was what I deserve. I was foolish to think that people who surrounded me were worth all the sacrifice. One ordinary night it just occurred to me that they aren’t and that my values are much more important. I finally knocked myself awake and realized that I cannot give in to be trapped in an abyss and let myself be swallowed by darkness completely. I figured out a way out of that endless, dark and stinky tunnel that is the result of lack of self confidence.

I remember that day when I walked into a hallway full of unrecognized faces. I decided I wanted to do it alone. I walked past the unfamiliar faces trying to ignore anyone who might know me. I walked fast enough so no one can catch up to me. I found my name in that wall full of so many other names. I made the list – finally. Everything went white and I was numb with joy. I wanted the world to stop and just savor that once in a lifetime feeling.

It is hard to forget the pain and sorrow but it is when we learn the most; than to recall how flashy and bright a red carpet hall is but that moment urges us to keep going.